After a disgraceful display of racist, non-inclusive binary behaviour by a foreign visitor to our beautiful country, a local resident was left triggered, traumatised and abandoned. Read more below…….
In a callous incident yesterday, local resident “Blodwyn”, (name changed to protect Dierdre’s identity) age not disclosed, was indecently assaulted by a visiting “financial consultant” leaving her in a state of abject misery, rejected by the very person who had promised her a better life away from the darkness of the Welsh industrial landscape.
Poor defenceless “Blodwyn” was going about her daily business, perfectly innocently hanging around a street corner when she was picked up by a known associate of sheep trafficker Godrey Upstein and promised a life of bright lights, dazzling jewellery and mint sauce. In an audacious, daylight attack, she was whisked away from her normal spot on the corner of Slaughterhouse Lane and taken to an unknown location in the shadow of The Old Arms Park, where she was subjected to 3 minutes of terror.
In an exclusive interview following her ordeal “Blodwyn” said “He told me his name was Owie Sheepstoner although when he answered his phone during my terrible ordeal he said his name was “Luigi”. I just didn’t know what to do, I mean he did things to me that nobody has ever done before, well, apart from the odd episode with Dai the Drover, although I don’t like to talk about them times, you know. Oh, and there was that time with Evan the Eweman but he was quite nice. Do I have to mention Rhys the Rogerer, Nye the Nasty, Gareth the Gigantic and the others?”
“When he said he was a financier I just knew that he must have been working with Godfery, I mean they’re all alike them rich people, I know this as my mate Bronwen told me she’d been taken off by some smooth talking ponce who kept telling her he was a prince amongst men while he was doing unspeakable things to her. Well, I suppose they weren’t unspeakable as she told me about them; fair made my eyes water just listening to her telling me about it it did. Heavens to goodness, I didn’t know you could do them things. Well, at least I didn’t until yesterday when I met sweet talking Owie. All the promises he made to me and then … he disappeared over the bridge and left me here in this field.”
We contacted Owie you said ” I don’t know anything about it. Just sign this agreement for the deal of your life.”
We submitted the signed deal to our legal department upon returning to our offices and apparently The Taff Telegraph will be forced into liquidation due to crippling financial obligations.
In an unsolicited response from the Welsh National Assembly, a spokes non gender person said “I don’t give a toss. I was watching Barry John’s greatest moments in a red shirt on the telly. If those bastards in Westminster would send more money I could afford to subscribe to ‘Mervyn Davies’ Greatest Tackles’ on Sky and not have to take the odd backhander from Brynn the Builder.”